Mamma Mia!

While jogging today, I came to a startling realization. I was listening to ABBA's Gold, and just as "Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)" came on, I thought to myself, "I really like this song, but people can't know, because I would seem gay." I instantly regretted the thought, and realized that the gays in my life are without a doubt some of the greatest people I have ever known. Seeming gay is not to be feared.

Who cares if I appear to be gay? I used to, but not anymore. When my name came up on JuicyCampus, for example, the most negative thing said about me was that I was a closet homosexual, and while the comments initially upset me, I now view them as a compliment. If seeming gay is the most negative thing people can say about me, then I think I've done something right with my life. Discriminating against someone and viewing them negatively because of their sexual orientation is utterly abhorrent in my eyes, and it is a direct result of stupidity and ignorance. I've been called a "fag" when I have been out before, usually when surrounded by my gay friends, and I would much rather be with them (as they are accepting, funny, smart, and oh-so-snappily dressed) than be with the ignorant pieces of shit doing the name calling.

My closest male friend at U of I is gay. I lived with him for a year. It was one of the most fun years of my life. We constantly were able to make each other laugh, and I related to him so much. The fact that he was gay never even really ran throught my head. All I saw was a great human being and an awesome friend. I've had people ask me, "Well don't you think other people will think you are gay because you are such good friends with a gay guy?" to which I respond, "Hell yes. And let them think it." Also, one of my best friends from home is gay. I go to lunch with him. We go to the movies together (we even went on a date to see Prime). We are extremely close, and I always have a blast when I am around him. He is also one of the most amazing people I have ever known, and his being gay is something that doesn't affect our friendship one bit.

Why is it that I seem so homosexual? I think it's a combination of factors. One, I grew up in a neighborhood of mostly girls. I spent my afternoons selling lemonade, playing Pretty Pretty Princess, and baking shit. I'm not going to even lie, I wanted to be the prettiest princess, yet I also longed for some boys to play with. While I had my gal pals, I always became the closest with boys, having many many more girl friends, yet having the closest friendships with boys.

I've also done musical theater my whole life. It seems like I have been programmed this way. I played soccer and baseball when I was younger, yet it seemed to end disastrously. My mom would be taping my games, screaming from the sidelines, "GET IN THERE, ANDY!" as I stood to the side, admiring the clouds or picking grass, as absent from the game as humanly possible. I was also in karate...for one day...before I started crying and had to have my parents called to come pick me up. I never returned. I started being in plays when I was eight, and have loved it ever since. While I don't want to pursue a career in musical theater, I feel like it really is a niche of mine, and I love doing it when I have spare time. Growing up with girls and flamboyant theater boys, I no doubt developed some of the characteristics of said individuals.

Also, my voice is not the most masculine. The secretary at my dad's work never ceases to reply, "No problem, ma'm" after I ask her to get my father on the line. Also, it's really awesome to answer the phone and hear, "Hello? Mrs. Herren?" or "Hi Jan!" to which I have to reply, "This isn't her....it's her 21 year-old son, I'll go get her."

So I've decided to embrace my faux homosexuality. I may not be gay, but dammit, I love being around those who are, and am never going to not be myself out of fear of being labeled gay ever again. I want to see Mamma Mia! just as much as I want to see The Dark Knight. There. I said it. And I don't regret it.

Quoting Dr. Seuss, "A person's a person. No matter how gay."